Steve Webb
LOS ANGELES, CA — In the wake of the fantastic debut of James Outman in the Dodgers’ 7-3 win over the Rockies on Sunday, the Internet was ablaze with sports reporters bending over backward to make cute little James Outman puns.
Now of course, when it comes to sports puns, the undisputed master is ESPN’s Chris Berman, who peppered his highlight reels with puns galore. My personal favorite was when he called the Twins Hall of Famer Bert “Be Home Blyleven.” That is a man who has honed his craft. Now as for the modern practitioners of the art form and their attempts at Outman puns, they have been decidedly less successful:
Now I like a good sports pun as much as the next guy, but I need to put my foot down. We at DodgersBeat care about you, the Dodger fan, and we promise that we will not subject you to any silly, corny, or otherwise frivolous plays on words that demean our great game!
Except for today. To get it out of my system, I will commit to paper the following James Outman puns with the explicit understanding that these infantile jokes shall never darken another post again.
- “This guy James is a really tough out, man!”
- “James needs to loft the ball. If he hits it on the ground, he’ll be out, man!”
- “When James dives for a ball, he really needs to lay out, man!”
- “James needs to hit with runners in scoring position, and not just pop out, man!”
- “The line drive was headed right for Mookie’s head, but James told him to look out, man!”
- “James has good bat-to-ball skills. He’s hard to strike out, man.”
- “The runner tried to stretch it into a triple, but James threw him out, man.”
- The Dodgers are going to work at the soup kitchen on their off day, and James is going to help out, man.”
- “The new reliever has good stuff. He’ll be tough for James to figure out, man.”
- “James told me that he thinks gay athletes should just come out, man.”
- “I’m not sure if James can make it in the big leagues, but we’re going to find out, man.”
- “James might get traded at the deadline. He’s waiting to see how it turns out, man.”
- “James promised he’d buy me a Dodger Dog; he’d better not back out, man.”
- “James drank too much champagne after the Dodgers clinched the pennant and he passed out, man.”
- “When James goes for a ball in the outfield, he goes all out, man!”
- “Have you seen James’s fiancée? She’s a knock-out, man!”
- “James waited too long to order peanuts, and they ran out, man.”
- “Some players are good, but James really stands out, man.”
- “If James wants to play for Team USA in the Olympics, he needs to try out, man.”
- If James ever sees that goofy DodgersBeat writer Steve Webb in the locker room, he’ll probably kick him out, man.”
Okay, I’m done. I’m sorry. To Mr. and Mrs. Outman, you have a very nice boy. He’s done nothing to deserve this. Price of fame, I guess.
